• A pair of political pygmies are set to steer the EU into the post-Lisbon era with the announcement of Herman van Rompuy (pictured) and Baroness Ashton as the EU's new president and foreign affairs supremo respectively.
Herman van Rompuy, currently the prime minister of Belgium, is the compromise candidate who will prove incapable of stealing anyone else's limelight.
Baroness Ashton takes the position of High Representative for Foreign Affairs, and is possibly the only person in Europe less well known than van Rompuy. A former CND employee, she will be responsible for Europe's security and defence policy.
UKIP Leader Nigel Farage said, "The EU has this evening appointed two political pygmies who have the power to remove the last vestiges of democracy from the UK.
"Baroness Ashton is ideal for the role. She's never had a proper job, and never been elected to public office. Naturally, from an EU point of view that makes her ideally qualified to become the most powerful person in Europe."